Sports and I, uh, well, we don’t go together so great. My dad and I get along really well, but sometimes I get the suspicion that he wishes his first child had been a bucket instead of a little boy, since then I’d be capable of catching a ball with something other than my face. The only sports I’ve ever been decent at are virtual ones. And not even real virtual sports, like Madden or NBA 2K11. Oh no. It’s like even the AI in those games knows I have no place being there, and they crush me on principle.


I’m talking stuff like the Blitzball minigame in Final Fantasy X, or Mario Tennis. That’s Ryan’s time to shine.

Any sport where an overweight plumber and a dinosaur with an eight inch armspan are the best players is where I am king.

So I thought, screw it. I want to music for a sports game, but it’s going to be a sport I can crush everyone else at. To meet that criteria, I had to make one up.


Ikeball is played on an ice-covered hexagonal field, with basketball hoops, hockey goals, and football goalposts at each of the six points. The game starts with the field littered with soccer balls, darts, croquet mallets, and pretty much any other athletic equipment you had in your basement. Two teams race to score points by any means possible, and which ever team has racked up the highest medical bill brutally injuring themselves trying to score said points wins. You must be actively trying to score a basket/goal/touchdown during your injury for it to count (for example, you couldn’t just smash yourself in the face with a soccer ball, but aim a frail and poorly timed kick at the goal and send the ball bouncing off  the frame and back into your own head, crushing your nose into you brain? Excellent).


Anyway, I wrote a little theme for the sport that will soon be sweeping the nation. Like literally. If your team doesn’t need to be broomed off the field at the end of the game, you guys didn’t want it hard enough.



Are you reaaaaadyyy for some Ikebaaaalll? Not if you have an HMO you’re not.