Did you know that over half of all marriages in the U.S. end in divorce? What you might not know is that 140% of all those divorces are caused by married couples playing Mario Kart together. Also I’m pretty sure every case of arson since 2008 can be traced back to some guy at a party breaking out the Wii Wheel.


I love Mario Kart, except when I’m losing and want to crack the disc in half and slash at my opponent’s vitals with the sharp fragments, which is always. In the Wii version at least, nearly every track is some sort of insight into the frailty of the human condition, but the worst offender has to be Rainbow Road.

I'm pretty sure Janis Joplin's dreams must have looked like this.


Whenever I get sick of the way Californians drive (here, even the cops cut me off without signaling), I just boot up this track and then instantly throw myself through a plate-glass window, forgetting what it was that I was trying to make myself feel better about. There are no guard rails for most of it, the closest thing to a straightaway lasts for maybe 10 feet, and you spend most of the track making sadface as your character careens off the road into the void, to die alone and unloved.

And it’s in space, so I can only assume everyone is racing to finish before the pressure makes their blood boil out through their eye sockets or something.

Anyway, the fact that I’ve played Mario Kart Wii more than once and my marriage is still intact prompted me to celebrate with my own kart-racer style track. Enjoy!

Rainbow Road Can Suck It